The Dark Side of Patriarchy
Michael Pearl is making waves. This is deep water but well worth the trouble of getting wet. Please take time to read his article and consider this issue.
I’ve met enough dysfunctional patriarchal and matriarchal families to know that it is a real threat. Authority is a dangerous weapon when wielded in the wrong way or by the wrong people. With the best of intentions, someone who misuses God-given authority can destroy people, families, and communities.
Sadly, too many people memorize procedures and miss the Biblical principles that would enable them to apply wisdom to their lives and families. (This is one of the main tenets of my courtship book.)
Just take a look at what happened to the people of Israel.
The Lord God gave His holy law at Mt. Sinai. He raised up certain men (I will call them “judges” for the sake of simplicity) to execute His law among the people. The role of judges was to hear the people’s cases and instruct them in the right way, by applying God’s law to their situation.
The instructions of the judges were not supposed to be written down. (“Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you. . . .” Deuteronomy 4:2) But the judges’ instructions were so wise and helpful that they were written down. These writings became as sacred and revered as God’s original commands.
Generations passed. By relying on the judges’ written interpretations of the law, new judges began to make judgments that went far beyond the intention of God’s law. The rules for God’s people grew more and more convoluted and restrictive. By the time of Jesus Christ, God’s people were so mixed up that when Jesus taught the original intent of God’s law, the Jews accused Him of lawbreaking.
So it is today with understanding Biblical patriarchy.
A man hears that he is the head and begins to think his family must obey his every whim. A woman hears that she is to be silent and begins to think her family can only benefit indirectly from her influence. Consequently, the man dominates his family in order to stay on top, and the woman manipulates her family in order to stay involved.
Mr. Pearl has now come along, as Jesus once did, to explain that domination is not actually Biblical authority, and manipulation is not actually Biblical submission. I applaud Mr. Pearl’s boldness.
Truth out of balance is untruth. To be corrected, unbalanced Authority needs to be taught Responsibility. God has given husbands and wives responsibilities toward each other. He has given parents and children responsibilities toward each other.
Fathers are commanded in the Bible to teach their children in the way and not to provoke them to wrath (that is, to prod and nurture them but not to demand or stifle them). Fathers have authority over their children but the responsibility to lead them to God. Mothers, as helping their husbands, have a share in both parental authority and responsibility.
Children (no age specified) are commanded in the Bible to obey their parents “in the Lord” (that is, with their minds engaged and focused on obeying the Lord). The word “No” directed at parents is probably unacceptable from a 2-year-old. But a gracious disagreement could be appropriate from a 12-year-old, a 22-year-old, or a 32-year-old, especially if married.
Authority without allowing personal Responsibility is Tyranny.
Obedience without taking personal Responsibility is Slavery.
Personal freedom and the exercise of authority was the very issue on which the American Colonies clashed with Great Britain. The Americans were right to fight for their freedom—to obey God rather than man—even though rebelling against the king had long and painful consequences.
But let’s not jump overboard on EITHER side of this issue. Family harmony may seem difficult to maintain, but it’s not impossible.
A Christian adult making choices “independent” of his parents can, in fact, be living in righteous submission to them.
A Christian adult who obeys his parents “in the Lord” can, in fact, be acting in righteous freedom in Christ.
My hero of modern patriarchy is Corrie ten Boom’s father, Casper. (I highly recommend his biography, Father ten Boom: God’s Man.) With great love and wisdom Father ten Boom ruled his household in the fear of the Lord. He “lived peaceably with all men,” including a retinue of female in-laws. Yet he let none undermine his gently firm authority as head of his family. His children and grandchildren loved him and honored him all their lives, and each also loved and served the Lord.
Just as children fall down when learning to walk with their feet, children will fall when learning to walk in the Spirit. Children need a home where they can make moral mistakes in an environment of love and guidance, rather than prideful self-righteousness and condemnation. A loving home is not perfectly pretty (sin never is), but it is healthy (nurturing always is).
And parents may need that loving environment as much as their children do.