Where do you go to college?
One of the most frustrating things about being a self-confessed stay-at-home daughter is not knowing how to answer people when they make assumptions.
“Where do you go to college?” someone asks me, casually.
That’s when things get sticky. My heart skips a beat, my palms get clammy, my head starts to itch, and my mouth goes dry. It is my least favorite question.
I have never been to college. I never even graduated from high school or home school or got a GED. I don’t think an academic degree is necessary for a fruitful life and godliness. Furthermore, going away to school is often counterproductive to these essential goals. I have personal convictions against going alone to school, or to work, or to live.
But I can’t say such things to just anybody. Very few people understand a countercultural lifestyle.
I do my best. “I don’t go to college,” I’ll say with a smile; “I’m a full-time stay-at-home daughter. I live at home with my parents.” The older I get, the less satisfactory this answer becomes to other people. There’s got to be a better way.
If someone cares enough to ask about my life, I want them to walk away with one clear idea—that I’m thriving at home.
The Power of the Home Study Course
As a teenager I heard David Barton speak on “How to Communicate Biblical Truth to a Secular Audience.” He showed how the Apostle Paul used general knowledge of the world around him (cultural literacy) to grab the ears of the men on Mars’ hill and preach the Gospel (Acts 17).
This concept also applies to casual conversations. It can help me answer people without drawing them into a debate over differing worldviews. I can make my lifestyle choices palatable to those who expect a certain amount of social conformity in a young woman, by using terms they can understand and appreciate.
I can wrap my domestic skills in terms that make them hard to criticize.
For instance, I can say, “I’m taking a home study course in professional house cleaning. My mentor is Jeff Campbell of ‘The Clean Team’ in California. He wrote a book, called, Speed Cleaning, showing the techniques he and his team use to clean million-dollar mansions. I use the same techniques at home.”
What this means is that I’ve learned how to use a feather duster and a mop more effectively in my routine housecleaning. It doesn’t mean I’m going to start a housecleaning business. Yet it appeases people more than my saying, “Um … I kind of help out at home with, uh, you know, doing house work and stuff.”
Another time I might say: “I’ve been taking a home study course in food preparation. I became interested in how professional chefs prepare multi-course meals and land each dish on the table at precisely the right time. I’m studying their techniques to learn how to be more efficient in the kitchen.”
Again, all this means is that I have read books about professional chefs and cooking schools (a fascinating subculture) and watched a few videos of cooking shows. I haven’t actually tackled rocket science on the cook stove.
Turning Your Skills into Strengths
Do you have a technique for answering your would-be critics?
The Bible says, “. . . Be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear” (I Peter 3:15). You can use any mundane activity to share the hope you have as a stay-at-home daughter.
I’ve created a little exercise that I call “Turning Your Skills into Strengths.” It helps you present your domestic skills as highly valuable assets.
It’s really easy.
Take a blank piece of paper and a pen or pencil. Draw a line down the middle of the paper from top to bottom, dividing it into two sections. At the top of the left section write “Skills.” At the top of the right section write “Strengths.”
(You can download a blank Skills to Strengths Worksheet in PDF format. It’s all ready for you to fill in.)
In the “Skills” section, write down all the tangible things you do from home:
- Domestic Chores
- Hobbies
- Continuing Education
- Volunteer Opportunities
- Family Ministries
- Small Business Ventures
- (and so on)
If you can record it on a video camera, it’s tangible. Write it down.
In the “Strengths” section, write down the professional equivalent for each of the “Skills” you wrote down. Here’s how to figure out the right “strength”: Someone, somewhere is making money from the things you know how to do. They may do it on a much, much bigger scale, but size isn’t the issue. Write down the name of the profession.
EXAMPLES
- Cooking = Chef
- Baking = Pastry Chef
- Housecleaning = Maid Service
- Removing Stains = Professional Wet/Dry Cleaner
- Arranging Stuff = Professional Organizer
- Rearranging Furniture = Home Stager
Then comes the fun part. Choose the profession most interesting to you from your list of “Strengths.” Create your own “home study course” by reading a book or two on the topic and trying to improve your skills in that area at home. (The public library is an excellent source of free books for most subjects.)
As long as you are practicing and seeking to improve your skills at home, you are in a “home study course.”
The Social Success Formula
Now you’re all set to craft your formula to use in conversation. Here’s one framework you can take and customize: “I’m taking a home study course in [strength]. [Briefly explain your interest in the strength.] I’m learning how to [specific example in the home environment].”
I call this turning your skills into strengths—taking a skill you already have and associating it with a highly prized “profession” that people admire. (One word of caution: There is the potential here of becoming dishonest over your wording. We want to be discrete, not untruthful. Don’t cross the line by overstating your training or credentials.)
Here’s the critical part—don’t drop the conversation after answering the college question. Take the initiative. Follow up your home study course spiel by asking the other person a question or two. For example: “Where did you go to college?” Or “What did you study at school?” Or “What kind of work do you do?”
This is critical because it shows you are socially adept, a thing stay-at-home daughters are not generally perceived to be. The real key is to show genuine interest in the other person’s answer. In your own mind see if what they learned at college actually prepared them for the work they do. Thinking about that usually keeps the answers interesting. :-)
This is just one way I’ve found to meet strangers and skeptics on their own level. This double formula satisfies both other people’s social concerns and my own ideas of a quiet, peaceable, daughter’s place in the world.
I hope you can use this too! Please let me know how it works for you…